F1 2012 Pre-season Preview

....Reigning Champs.....

Red Bull

Red Bull look set to continue their dominance of the sport in 2012. With Adrian Newey still leading the design team and the karaoke king and double world champ at the wheel, I can’t see anyone really being able to steal their candy this year. What is interesting though, is to see what Mark Webber can do after a miserable 2011. If the entertaining Aussie can stop underreving his car at the starts we might see him put up more of a fight for supremecy. Also, he is probably aware that this is his last chance to mount a serious title bid in a Red Bull so hopefully he will throw caution to the wind and remind us all what a great racer he is. Sebastian Vettel is the man with the best plan going into battle and he will have the most prestigious target on his back. I’d love to see more of him in wheel to wheel combat as I see weakness in this area, but it’s up to the others to raise their game.

Mclaren

.....Eye Candy...

Mclaren always come out the traps like a spotty teenage virgin in pre-season tests, but by the time the first race come they are usually on it like a car bonnet. The problem is, by always starting on the back foot, they are always trying to play catch up and more often than not they run out of time. The 2012 car looks absolutely beautiful and I love the fact they aren’t running with the ‘Boxers nose’ trend. Lets start with JB. Argubly the best driver of 2011, Button was quite brilliant last season and I expect the same this year. If the car is a winner from the off then Button will get 98% out of it and will win his fair share of races. His consistancy is superb and if any of the races are wet/dry then the rest of them might as well just park it and get on the Bovril. Team-mate Lewis Hamilton should be a new man come Australia. When the guy is on it he is untouchable. When he’s not he touches other people’s F1 cars. I felt the critcism he received last year was a bit OTT but he certainly didn’t look like the driver we all know and love. If he can keep his head in the game and stop swooning over Nicole whatsherface then he could bounce back with a world championship. If he can’t he will spend most of his time sitting in his motorhome mid-race listening to Boys 11 Men and feeling sorry for himself.

Ferrari

...lady in red...or a winner?...

Ferrari head into 2012 on the crest of a wave, a wave of disappointment. By their standards 2011 was very poor. With a car that didn’t have any particular problems other than just being too slow, and a driver who hated it so much he couldn’t wait to smash its face in when the lights went out, they really struggled to match their rivals all season. Most people would put their house on Felipe Massa being replaced at the end of the year but if he improves and has a strong 2012 they may opt to keep him purely for the fact that he is never going to get in Fernandos way. Ferrari have for quite a while now put their eggs into one basket with the second driver expected to be there to pick up the pieces if something terrible happens to the number 1 driver, I. e, Alonso being struck by lightening then having a bout of rabies. This has to be Massas’ realistic target. I think he is actually a good driver who has been murdered in the head by his relentlessly brilliant team-mate. Alonso, well what can I say, the guy is just pure and utter class, (on the track).

Mercedes

...3rd time lucky?...

If Mercedes could balance an F1 car as well as they balance their chequebook then we would now be looking at potential race winners. They were like the lost middle brother last season, only doing just about well enough for their parents to keep interested in them. They have been working on the new model for many months now, stopping development on the 2011 car around mid season. Whether or not this will be enough to at least get them in the middle of the ruck come lunch time remains to be seen but we can be sure of one thing: If they get it right then they have the drivers to use it. Nico Rosberg may look like Britney Spears but he is quite handy in free practice and qualifying sessions. However he needs to learn how to RACE and not just plod along singing to ‘Baby one more time’, otherwise he risks being just another ‘solid’ F1 driver in the mould of old squareface David Coulthard. On the other side of the garage we have Michael Schumacher. The German legend certainly needs to improve his qualifying performances and get closer to Nico, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with his race pace, which Rosberg cannot match. This car has to be a winner if they want to keep Schumi for a further year as he will not stay another season driving for 7th and 8th. And who wants to see the panto villain of our childhoods retire again, not me!

Force India

...is the Force strong?...

I was a little annoyed that they chose to sack Adrian Sutil and replace him with Nico Hulkenberg. Sutil had a fantastic second half of 2011 and by the end of it he was getting into the top 6 on legitimate pace, something that Paul Di Resta wasn’t doing. The Hulk has long been hyped about but if his season with Williams was anything to go by I’m not expecting anything special from him. Di Resta started well but faded considerably, which is what I do when I listen to him talk. Despite my personal feelings the new car seems to have hit the track running and looking pretty quick so far. If Force India can keep on improving then they may get to the point where Vijay can afford to get another pair of Sunglasses. Yay.

Torro Rosso

.......who cares?....

A fairly pointless team really. All they’re here for is to bottomfeed the Red Bull outfit and act as a testing rig for them. They lack ambition, they lack skill, and they now lack a proven driver having ditched Jaime Alguersuari, who was one of the stars of last season. I can see why they dumped Buemi, who was fairly average, but I cannot see the reasoning behind basslining the Spanish DJ? laughable really. I almost don’t care enough about this team to even write a comment on here but I am forcing myself in the hope they prove me wrong. Daniel Ricciardo comes in with Jean eric-Vergne as drivers. Ricciardo drove for HRT in 2011 and will be hoping to steal Mark Webbers seat in ’13. I don’t know anything about Vergne other than him stating ridiculously that he could have done the same job as Webber last year, this coming from someone who has barely even sat in an F1 car let alone driven one. Seems like an idiot to me. We will see.

Lotus

....it's sexy no doubt..

What a yo-yo year for the Lotus squad last year. A car that was reaching dizzying heights at the beginning, and mixing it with the Virgins and Caterhams at the climax. Apart from the onboard camera shots hurting my ears, due to the engine sounding like a rape victim, I didn’t really notice these guys. Some bad choices from Eric Boullier basically meant that the team were a bit in limbo, with driver swaps and so forth. Petrov was poor and has been sacked, as has Bruno Senna. Their replacements are Kimi Raikkonen and Romain Grosjean. Having the robotic Finn back may seem like a great idea but we will have to wait and see on this one. Amazing natural talent and racing ability is Kimis’ meal ticket. Any form of dialect or technical input is a moo point. If he is as genuinly motivated as he says he is then it is a great signing. Anything like before he left, then the Lotus Ice cream cabinet will be empty on most race weekends, as will the shorts and t-shirt closet. Grosjean has had one chance before, this will be his last chance. The car has been withdrawn from the seasons testing with a chassis problem. Good start.

Sauber

.....beaten up much?....

Sauber usually start a season the complete opposite of Mclaren, i.e, quickly. But they never end it quickly. The team really struggles to develop the car all year round for whatever reasons be it financial, or technical expertise. They had some good performances last season mainly through Sergio Perez and his ability to look after his rubbers…..tyres. But just when you think they are making progress they head rapidly backwards and start to look like a boat in a thunder storm. Kamui Kobayashi is really exciting to watch but he struggled with the Sauber in 2011 and gone were the fearless overtakes of the year before. I am a fan of his, but I do think he’s more style over substance. Perez on the other hand is a decent pilot who will perhaps be too strong for his team-mate this year. The new Sauber is extremely ugly and if it were a person it would definately be sitting alone on a Saturday night with an extra large pizza for company. Jury is out on the performance.

Williams

...can this one turn corners, literaly?..

A shocking 2011 has left Williams right at the back of the pack. Who would have thought we would be saying that after they dominated the 90′s. Much of it is their own fault proven by their driver line up for this year. Pastor Maldonado is the lead driver, bringing his 1 years experience to the table. His team-mate is Bruno Senna who has yet to prove himself in a full season of racing. Having chosen to send veteran Rubens Barrichello on his merry way they now face a season of….how can i say this…..more of the same? I don’t see the point of bringing in Alex Wurz as a driver coach either. The man is remembered mostly for ending upside down at turn one in Canada in 1998, not his driving. Even if they produce a better car than last year, which wouldn’t be hard considering it was a wheelbarrow stuck in the mud, I don’t think this driver line up will maximise performance. At least with Rubens they had a stabilising platform to build from. Patrick Head has now given up and is working on his garden which leaves the legend that is Frank Williams on his larry. The captain will go down with his ship…

Caterham

....The Green Goblin...

Here is a team I actually have faith in, and I think they go about their business in a professional manner. Now that the name change saga has ended they can concentrate on going racing. Unfortunately the same can’t be said for Italian stallion Jarno Trulli, who has been axed and replaced with a mediocre Russian. I never like seeing the old guard replaced but on this occasion I think it was the right thing to do, as Trulli drove like he’d been enjoying one too many glasses of his homemade wine last term. Comfortably beating him was Heikki Kovaillainen, who retains his seat. I think they will push on and overtake Williams this season.

Marussia

...I don't like Virgins...

Their star asset is Timo Glock. Their car is slower than a granny erecting a shed. The only reason this team, named Marussia instead of Virgin for 2012, was on the grid was because their name provided many humourous anecdotes for Martin Brundle to commentate on. For example, Hammy on a quali lap: “and Hamilton has encountered a Virgin in all the wrong places there.” See, humourous. They haven’t produced a 2012 car yet. Maybe they will magic one up come middle of March.

HRT

Pedro De La Rosa is past his sell by date, well, by about 15 years. Joining him is serial benefits claimer Narain Kartikeyan, who has been sacked and re-hired more times than my mate Dave. If they even get as far as banging some wheels on it and sending it out for an installation lap, then this will probably be their highest acheivement this year unless they accidently take Vettel out on the last lap of the British GP, allowing one of our guys to win. Not beating up on the little guys, who I support, but this team is loveably hopeless in all areas.

Snow makes ugly sorroundings look pretty.

 

and another:

and another…..

and another…

and lastly…

Senna to Williams for 2012 – Why?

Unproven and Inexperienced....

For quite a while now Williams have struggled in Formula One. It is a shadow of its former self. Key people have left, average people have come in. When that happens you don’t go forwards. At best you maintain position. In reality, you go backwards. Williams have been such a formidable outfit over the years, particularly in the Adrian Newey era. They have produced some brilliant cars but they have also had a reputation as treating their drivers, and champions, like dirt. They could always get away with it back in the day because they still had the quickest car and everyone would have jumped at driving it, even for peanuts. They can’t now.

My respect for Williams has increased in some respects recently as they remain the only privateer on the grid. Less budget, Sponsors, personnel. Formula One is dominated by money nowadays and they have been a little left behind. However one thing they should never do is compromise on their choice of drivers. As a team boss you need to know that the driver is getting the absolute maximum out of the car in order to know where you stand.

Mansell, Prost, Senna, Hill, Villeneuve, Montoya, Button.  That is the calibre they used to go for. Wurz, Nakajima, Maldonado, and now Bruno Senna is todays choice. I understand they need money to compete but I don’t think It’s a secret as to why they are at the back of the grid now.

Bruno Senna hasn’t really had a fair crack at the whip in F1. His first season was spent in the Hispania, which was very good at scaring itself off the track. A bit part drive at Lotus last season, when replacing Heidfeld, a car which was one of the slowest at the end of the year. I accept that. But the opinion of people who know him well is that he is no better than average. So Williams give him a drive? I just don’t get it. Instead of Rubens Barrichello, a race winner, most experienced driver in history, with also a passion so undiminished he would race for free. And more importantly, Barrichello is still a great driver who outscored the highly rated but underperforming Maldonado, in what proved to be the worst season in Williams history last year. How is this going to improve them? Two drivers with only about two seasons between them. I would have chosen Adrian Sutil over both of them if I had the chance. Young but experienced and very fast. Sutil in the end made mincemeat of Paul Di Resta, rookie of the year. Honestly, I think Frank Williams has lost touch in the same way as Arsene Wenger has at Arsenal. It’s either their way or the highway. That used to work when they were at the top of their game but not now.

Like my friend Springy said, either of those, particularly Rubens, would have been a stabilising force in a team going through changes and you need drivers whose feedback you can trust. But no, they choose Senna and his money. It’s not going to move you forwards, sorry.The romance of having a Senna at the wheel of a Williams Renault isn’t lost on me, it sounds beautiful. But when the attraction fades, you are left with the reality. And the reality is often a disappointment.

If they continue to choose average than that is what they will become in the end.

I can’t help but tut when I think of Williams. It’s a real shame to see them be so content. They have now lost Patrick Head who has retired and a few more seasons at the tail end of the grid will see Frank Williams selling the team to another manufacturer. Sad.

My Williams driver line up would have been: Adrian Sutil & Rubens Barrichello, or Rubens Barrichello & Jaime Alguesuari. Youth, experience, TALENT.

Not: Bruno Senna & Pastor Madonado.

But what do I know.

Hard Times Don’t Last.

It’s been a great year. Well, compared to 2010 it has. Somewhere around June last year I was probably at the lowest point in my life so far. My long-term relationship had just come to an unexpected end and whilst trying to come to terms with that I then lost my job and was officially unemployed for 7 months. First time in 10 years I had nothing to get up for. I was tired and couldn’t really see how I was ever going to get out of the shit I was in, but most scarily I didn’t really want too. I didn’t turn to drugs or Alcohol, which have never been high on my to-do list and never will be. No, it was much worse than that. I became emotionless and didn’t really give a fuck about anything. I lost respect for myself and everyone else. Not a great way to live. I felt embarrassed but no one would have ever known that.

Thank god there were a few things that kept me going in that period. One of them was the Gym. I consider it my saviour and will always be grateful that it was there when nothing else really was. If it weren’t for the gym I would have turned into a horrible person, shit, I still think that still stands now. The release I get in there stops me from being aggressive towards people, and it stops me from constantly being agitated and frustrated with my life and everything around me. It’s not all vanity, for me It’s a lifeline, a source of confidence. If you don’t go to the gym on a regular basis then you won’t understand. Maybe you will one day if it ever becomes your saviour. Instead of spending my dole money on weed I spent it on a gym membership and went five times a week for 7 months. Because of that I still managed to hang on to the hope that If I was still prepared to do something to better myself then there were perhaps hope that all was not lost.

I then went to London and got my Gym Instructor qualification. A welcome shot of success but still felt like shit. Actually I got this weird sense of guilt when I passed that, almost like I didn’t deserve it. We are fucking weird creations aren’t we. I followed that by getting a teaching qualification in Boxing. In May I got a job in the military Gym on Alconbury Base. It felt fucking awesome. The first thing I was happy about was that I’d be paying my way. I won’t argue with the tax man ever again.

I haven’t looked back since. Well, I do all the time, but I haven’t been back to that place since. I am due to start another new job in January, I got a lovely new Girlfriend, and I have saved up a bit of money in the bank. There was nothing more humiliating to me than not being able to pay my own bills. One time I couldn’t even afford to buy a pint of milk and had to wait four days for my dole money to come through to get some. I very much respect the small things that I used to take for granted now I know what It’s like to live without them. Oh that reminded me of a moment when I had no money and I was sitting in my house and the electric went off. Instead of getting angry, that time I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. Fuck me, Look at this shit I thought. Kick up the arse.

There are some downsides to this kind of experience though. I have changed quite a bit. I can’t rest very well, I can’t sit and do nothing. Watching a movie is almost impossible. I think subconsciously It reminds me of those dark 7 months, sitting around doing nothing but wonder how I ended up in that position. I don’t have any patience, I didn’t really before, but now I have none. That’s quite irritating for people. Selfishness has certainly become more of a trait in my make-up and I have developed a more “I’ll do what I want” attitude. Stems from living most of my twenties putting other people first and then getting fucked over I guess.

The point I’m writing here is that no matter how bad things get, and everyone’s definition of bad is different, you must try to find one thing that stops you from doing something stupid. If you can find one thing that excites you through all the shit in life, then you have a purpose and a focus to push through it. Every knock I have taken so far has seemed the end of the world at the time, but in hindsight It has turned me to something better. And I always want to do better.

Today, I am so grateful for every tiny thing I have got and I actually look forward to the next challenge. After all, what is experience for If it’s never used? For all the negative things that have changed me, the positives far outweigh them and I am a much stronger person now. Feels like I have played Jigsaws games from the SAW movies and won, minus the lack of limbs and loss of blood.

I’m proud of the miles I’ve walked in my shoes.

 

BERNIE, I DISLIKE YOU.

 

Bernie Ecclestone recently said European venues for Formula 1 are soon going to be a thing of the past. Due to his global interests in making money out of everything and everyone, us F1 fans have to accept that the Far East and South America will soon hold the majority of the races. Bernie, you have pushed our patience so far over the years and if this actually happened I think Formula 1, from a spectators point of view, will be dead.

.........Selfish and Greedy

I cannot imagine an F1 calendar without Spa, Silverstone, Monza, Hockenheim, and the legendary Monaco. I don’t want too, because to me these are categorically the best racing tracks in the world. I’m sure if you got the drivers to list their favourites then these historic venues would come out on top every time. From the flat-out Copse, to the iconic Eau Rouge, the heart and soul of Formula 1 racing belongs to these corners and If they were ever taken away, it would an absolute tragedy.

The problem Bernie has with the older tracks is that sometimes they tend to lack state of the art facilities and accessibility. Run down grandstands, and spit and saw dust pit garages are common place. Ok, fair enough, a certain amount of money has to be invested each year to keep up with the changing times. I don’t have an issue with that. However, surely the most important thing, after all the contracts and politics, has to be the ACTUAL track. The track is what makes a race. The track is what challenges the driver and the car, and offers a great spectacle to the paying public, whether it’s live or from an arm-chair. Or am I being naïve?

Abu Dhabi, India, Singapore, yes, they all look beautiful. The facilities are world-class, the roads leading into them are well-managed and stress free. But they lack heart. They lack atmosphere and history, and most of all they lack an even remotely good race track. Singapore looks sexy under the lights but is about as interesting as I imagine a night out with Andy Murray would be. Helmet Tilke, the chief designer of most of the modern tracks needs to be fired as 90% of his ideas do not work. What cost are you willing to pay Bernie?

Us normal, passionate fans, have already lost F1 on the BBC, which was one of the best presented shows in TV history. Now we have to pay to watch it on Sky. Ticket prices are so ridiculous now that It’s almost impossible for the average dad to take his son to watch it live. Talk about alienating the very people who keep the sport going.

Bernie, it’s a very simple equation. No Audience = No Sponsors = No Sponsors = No funding for the teams = No funding for the teams = No Formula 1.

So why do you keep taking away the best things about OUR sport?

I propose this: Stop lining your greedy pockets and actually invest some of YOUR billions back into Formula 1? Keep the legendary tracks and get rid of Valencia, Singapore, Korea, and a few of the other horrible excuses for racing circuits. The odd far eastern race is fine, as something different. But if it becomes the majority then I feel Formula 1 would never recover.

Oh and lastly, BRING IMOLA BACK!

Why Haven’t I had kids at my age?

So recently a few people, of an older age than my 27 years, have asked me why I haven’t had Children and ‘Settled down’ yet. apparently I am now at an age where I HAVE to give up my freedom, my selfish ways, and my money in order to satisfy social pressure, regardless if that’s what I want or not. Now before I say what I’m about to I want to clarify right off the bat that I categorically deny that I am against having children. I was once a step dad to a beautiful baby boy, (previous girlfriend had a son) and was a part of his life for 2 and a half years. When I think of the best times of my life so far, looking at that baby and him looking at me, was one of the most emotionally profound moments I have experienced. He used to make me laugh so hard with things he used to do and I will always treasure the time I spent with him. I totally see the appeal of having this little living thing smiling at you, relying on you, and, well maybe not shitting on you but anyway, I have found myself getting broody many times but that doesn’t mean that because of that then I should have one. I look at the bigger picture. In today’s world with unemployment at a record high, the economy grinding to a halt, and more and more resources being drained from this (formerly beautiful) planet, I think It would be very selfish of me to contribute to it by having children I can’t afford to pay for by myself. An old lady accused me of being selfish for not wanting that lifestyle but I disagree. It’s more selfish of me to have children when I haven’t the funds to raise them, more selfish of me to put an innocent child into the world when there aren’t even enough jobs for the people who are already here, and more selfish of me to take food out of the mouths of the poor just for my own selfish reasons. At the moment I can barely afford to pay my own bills let alone the bills that a child creates. I have a beautiful new girlfriend but I don’t have the foundation built for something like that, so I choose not to right now. I say that if you can afford to pay for them and you have a solid job then fair enough, have them. I still do agree with that because every effort has been made to financially and emotionally support that child. “..If it is truly what you want, even after reading about the negative factors then go for it But I believe that every country should adopt the one child rule like China until a recovery is made.

Don’t get me started on the people who don’t have any income themselves and have 3 kids and a nice home, all funded by the tax payer. That is selfish beyond belief. These people have no idea how to be responsible. What would they do if the benefit system was closed down? For a start they would actually have to try to put food on the table for themselves.

I don’t take kindly to people labelling me selfish because I am not married with kids and in debt. Look in the mirror before you judge me. A lot of the time people have children because they are unhappy with their own lives and instead of trying to improve it with hard work and effort they try to live their lives through their children. To others it gives them a purpose to be here. To others it’s to add something deep and meaningful to their relationships, and that’s a great thing.  I’m not that intelligent, but some people with real talent, that could really help the world change for the better, opt to instead have a child and settle down which I think is a shame. But Everyone is different.

But eventually there has to be a day where the world is just going to explode because it cannot cope with what’s being asked of it. Humans can be brilliant, but most of the time we abuse our intellect and destroy what we build over time with our behaviour. Very destructive we are.But because it’s many years in the future we don’t care and do whatever suits us. Selfish?

Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. The problem is it seems that we don’t learn from them enough.

I’m going on record now and saying that I definitely WANT kids at some point but will I have them? I don’t know. Not until I see some light at the end of the tunnel. And the funny thing is, the people who don’t take responsibility for their actions are probably the reason why I may not. Is that selfish?

Well, I am most definitely selfish.

I don’t want this to come off as a rant at all. Obviously there are many great things about being a parent,  that until I become one I may not fully understand. I accept that with open arms.  I’m most definitely NOT having a go at anyone who has children.

I simply just wanted to clarify to the people who keep trying to make me feel inferior for not having them my views on the subject so they stop asking me.

Oh and another thing..

I love my freedom.

THEME PARK BEAUTY.

Theme Parks aren’t always just about the rides.

and ANOTHER.

SUNSET IN PARADISE.

Life’s a BEACH.

 

The Sun goes down after another vibrant day on Alicante Beach. I want to live in a hut beside this.

Smackdown Town.

Champions, 2005. Too quick, too skillful, too good.

 

The Life Of A General Assistant At Tesco (part 3)

Perhaps the greatest time I had at Tesco was when I first started in 2000. 16 years old, getting interviewed for a large International company, I thought I was fucking awesome. Wrong. I walked into the interview room, in my Kappa shell suit, sat down, and Caroline Horsted, who was recruiting at the time, said to me, ‘’Ok….what’s your name….(looking down and fumbling around in the paperwork)……Carl! Well we only have one job for you at the moment and it’s on the trolleys. And the hours are 4.30pm to 10.30 on Friday nights and Saturday nights.’’ I didn’t give a shit ‘cos I just wanted a job. ‘’What’s the hourly rate?’’ I said. ‘’£2.98’’ she replied. That was more than what I was earning delivering, or not delivering….The Hunts Post, so I accepted.

So on the first day I arrived I met the guys that already worked out there and fuck me they were characters. There was Bill, a 70 something Irishman, crazy as fuck. All he ever did was moan and kick the shit out of the Quick cart 2000 (a trolley pulling machine), John Jones, a 68 yr old wide boy, who to this day is probably the funniest person I have ever met. Any time I started a shift I’d go and say hello and he would always say, ‘’Where you been you Cunt, your late, I want to go for a cup’ tea and a faaaaaag.’’ then he would proceed to fuck off for the next two hours and hide in the bogs. We took him Ice Skating once and he wasn’t getting on very well with it so he sat up at the bar and got twatted on about 15 whiskies. God knows what his Mrs thought when we dropped him off. There was Ted, a 74 yr old, another Irishman who was the slowest worker I have ever seen. He only EVER said these sentences: ‘’No no no no nooooooooooooo trolleys………(a pause and a finger point)….in the bay.’’ That was quickly followed by, ‘’I’m goin’ over the garage.’’ That was his thing, collecting the loose trolleys from the petrol garage. I thought fuck me what have I let myself in for, then I met Russell Baxter. This dude looked like Ben Stiller on crack, a very short temper, and an inability to talk about women without throwing his trolley strap against the bay windows or kicking parked cars with his steel capped work boots. They didn’t like him very much. I nicknamed him Wacky Backy Baxter.

The best thing about working outside was you could pretty much do what you wanted. I used to have my phone on me, CD player (hey, it was 2000), and shit loads of sweets. One time me and my mate Si King (ICE) were working on Trolleys in the evening and decided to take a drive. So while Russell was on his break we drove off down the fair for an hour. When we came back Russell said, ‘’Where the fuck have you two been?’’ so I told him, knowing about his girl problems, that Si had taken me down the fair to get laid with a girl that had been texting me. This guys rage was scary. He went fucking mental saying stuff like, ‘’Why do they wanna sleep with you and not me, what’s wrong with me?’’ He then smashed up some boxes and disappeared inside. He was gone for ages so I went in to find him and he was in the toilets picking his spots. He still works on trolleys now, has done since 1998. Girls don’t really dig trolley dudes after about the age of 13 so I really think he should start a career inside the building.

No managers wanted to come outside to check on us because it was too cold for them so we ended up most evenings sitting in Simons car listening to Westwood rap show or parking up in McDonald’s car park watching the chicks, yes, I did say chicks.

I remember a time when I was working one Saturday and I heard this screech coming around the car park. It was my mates. They parked the car up and got out and one of them shouted to me, ‘’Oi Carl, look what we got, we just been to an Adult video shop and we got all this porn for you to look at.’’ Baring in mind they weren’t that close to me everyone in the car park could hear. One of them opened the sun roof and held up a video, ‘’Carl, we got Lord of the Ring piece for you.’’ I was standing there in an illuminous jacket looking at porn and little did I know that my manager had seen the whole thing from the window. I got a right bollocking for that one. I had an erection the whole time.

Ah good old Tesco days. They moved me inside shortly after that incident and then I became known as ‘Bread boy, ‘Instead of, ‘Trolley Wally. I had worked at Tesco for 3 years at this point and hardly one fucker knew my name beyond the Car park. I loved it though because they didn’t know what they were letting themselves in for putting me on the shop floor……