It’s been a great year. Well, compared to 2010 it has. Somewhere around June last year I was probably at the lowest point in my life so far. My long-term relationship had just come to an unexpected end and whilst trying to come to terms with that I then lost my job and was officially unemployed for 7 months. First time in 10 years I had nothing to get up for. I was tired and couldn’t really see how I was ever going to get out of the shit I was in, but most scarily I didn’t really want too. I didn’t turn to drugs or Alcohol, which have never been high on my to-do list and never will be. No, it was much worse than that. I became emotionless and didn’t really give a fuck about anything. I lost respect for myself and everyone else. Not a great way to live. I felt embarrassed but no one would have ever known that.
Thank god there were a few things that kept me going in that period. One of them was the Gym. I consider it my saviour and will always be grateful that it was there when nothing else really was. If it weren’t for the gym I would have turned into a horrible person, shit, I still think that still stands now. The release I get in there stops me from being aggressive towards people, and it stops me from constantly being agitated and frustrated with my life and everything around me. It’s not all vanity, for me It’s a lifeline, a source of confidence. If you don’t go to the gym on a regular basis then you won’t understand. Maybe you will one day if it ever becomes your saviour. Instead of spending my dole money on weed I spent it on a gym membership and went five times a week for 7 months. Because of that I still managed to hang on to the hope that If I was still prepared to do something to better myself then there were perhaps hope that all was not lost.
I then went to London and got my Gym Instructor qualification. A welcome shot of success but still felt like shit. Actually I got this weird sense of guilt when I passed that, almost like I didn’t deserve it. We are fucking weird creations aren’t we. I followed that by getting a teaching qualification in Boxing. In May I got a job in the military Gym on Alconbury Base. It felt fucking awesome. The first thing I was happy about was that I’d be paying my way. I won’t argue with the tax man ever again.
I haven’t looked back since. Well, I do all the time, but I haven’t been back to that place since. I am due to start another new job in January, I got a lovely new Girlfriend, and I have saved up a bit of money in the bank. There was nothing more humiliating to me than not being able to pay my own bills. One time I couldn’t even afford to buy a pint of milk and had to wait four days for my dole money to come through to get some. I very much respect the small things that I used to take for granted now I know what It’s like to live without them. Oh that reminded me of a moment when I had no money and I was sitting in my house and the electric went off. Instead of getting angry, that time I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. Fuck me, Look at this shit I thought. Kick up the arse.
There are some downsides to this kind of experience though. I have changed quite a bit. I can’t rest very well, I can’t sit and do nothing. Watching a movie is almost impossible. I think subconsciously It reminds me of those dark 7 months, sitting around doing nothing but wonder how I ended up in that position. I don’t have any patience, I didn’t really before, but now I have none. That’s quite irritating for people. Selfishness has certainly become more of a trait in my make-up and I have developed a more “I’ll do what I want” attitude. Stems from living most of my twenties putting other people first and then getting fucked over I guess.
The point I’m writing here is that no matter how bad things get, and everyone’s definition of bad is different, you must try to find one thing that stops you from doing something stupid. If you can find one thing that excites you through all the shit in life, then you have a purpose and a focus to push through it. Every knock I have taken so far has seemed the end of the world at the time, but in hindsight It has turned me to something better. And I always want to do better.
Today, I am so grateful for every tiny thing I have got and I actually look forward to the next challenge. After all, what is experience for If it’s never used? For all the negative things that have changed me, the positives far outweigh them and I am a much stronger person now. Feels like I have played Jigsaws games from the SAW movies and won, minus the lack of limbs and loss of blood.
I’m proud of the miles I’ve walked in my shoes.
