Cowlsey Finally Admits..”I’m Not Real!”

One of the worst kept secrets in the world has finally become public property today, after Huntingdon plank Mark Cowles finally admitted that his existance in our lives is ‘just an illusion.”

Cowles, 23, came clean after an incident at friends Liam Murrays bbq left him with no alternative. He was playing that ‘tennis on a pole’ swing game thingy in the garden when upon rotation of the string, the ball was seen to go right through Cowlesys body and continue to go around. The incident was seen by hapless Albanian Alban Mulaj- Graham and father of the year Josef Fritzl, who was on day release from Peadoland.

Mulaj-Graham said, “Well we have all suspected that Mark wasn’t a true physical presence in our lives for a while now but we had no proof. Sure he casts no shadow, never burns in 1000 degrees of heat, and never seems to get wet when we go swimming but all of this didn’t mean he wasn’t real. I just thought, well, I didn’t think anything to be honest as I was rubbing myself with Ice cubes.”

He mumbled on, “I smacked the ball really hard with the leg of lamb i was chewing and it flew through the air. Mark just couldn’t get out of the way in time, and then to our astonishment, but not ‘surprisement’, it went right through the cunt and carried on round. I didn’t see anything else because the ball came round and cunted me on the head, knocking me squarely to the ground. I then weeeeeed on myself a little.”

Austrian legend Fritzl added, “Cowzeees face just dropped into hiz handze. He knew zat iz sekret wasss out. My penis waz out but zat is unrelated to zis story.”

According to the news helicopter that was circling the sky above the garden waiting for something like this to happen, cowlsey looked devastated.

Pilot John Spunk said, “we had an awesome microphone rigged to the bbq and one in the lounge so we heard everything. Cowles called all his friends into the sitting room and said he needed to come clean about something. They asked what. He said this statement:

- I know what you just saw and now i feel it’s time to come clean about myself. I finally can get this off my fake shoulders, I am not a real human-being. I am a spirit sent from hell to make you guys feel better about yourselves on a dailly basis. Hopefully I have been doing a good job.

The speech was met with a rousing reception but unfortunatley not everyone was listening fully. Best mate Kris Head jumped up to hug Cowlsey but ended up falling straight through him, tripping over, and smashing his mug clean through a glass table splitting his dome in 56 places, forcing him to retire from living. He died covered in glass shardes and burger source. Our thoughts are with…him??

Although we fully confirm that this story did happen, and Kris Head is actually dead, we were unsure that the pilots real name was infact John Spunk. Before going to press our editor in chief Bobby Slitface confirmed that this was true, adding, “hahah I wouldn’t like to be that guy, what a ridiculous name.”

Slitface has been confirmed as being a deluded Cunt.

 

 

I think WE ALL want this to happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bunters ‘Chef’ : I Slept With Jordan

A HUNTINGDON ‘CHEF’ LAST NIGHT SENSATIONALLY CLAIMED THAT HE SLEPT WITH GLAMOUR TROLLOP JORDAN IN A SEEDY ‘BACK OF HOUSE’ KEBAB MEAT INSPIRED ROMP.

Adnan Yalanci, 38, made the unbelievable yet somehow believable claims to one of our undercover reporters posing as a normal chip consuming scumbag commonly seen on a regular Saturday night in Huntingdon. We had earlier received a tip-off from a man named Derek Hubbard, who said we should investigate ‘The ‘Chef’ in Bunters, as he looked like he had something to get off his chest.

He spoke of the lusty sessions shared by the couple, and below is a transcript of the conversation between Yalanci and our man Dave Satchell:

(Saturday night, BUNTERS, 11:46pm, slightly drizzling)

SATCHELL: Alright geez, can i have a cheeseburger and chips please?
YALANCI: I slept with Jordan
SATCHELL: you fucking what? where’s my burger?
YALANCI: I will give you the burger free if you just listen to me friend, I have been dying to get this off my chest but I have been scared, so scared
SATCHELL: alright calm down, whats your name?
YALANCI: my name is Adnan, although Jordan used to call me her ‘Turkish Delight’
SATCHELL: listen mate, you shouldn’t read too much into this, Jordan is a dirty one, she didn’t like you, she would do anything for a free piece of meat.
YALANCI: no-no no, this was different, i made her pay for her kebab and she still made love with me. It all started when i was locking up the shop last weekend. I had just scooped up the last remaining fat from the ovens when i heard a tap at the window. when i looked up i could see a girl, a girl with big boobies and a deep sincerity in her eyes. I didn’t recognise her as being Jordan. It was raining so i let her in
SATCHELL: And? go on
YALANCI: she came in and said something like, “You fucking greasy toad, I wanna kebab, Katie Price gets what she wants, priiiiicccceeeeeyyyy”. Then it clicked, i knew who she was at that moment, I’d seen her in my dreams and magazines. I said to her i didn’t have any fresh meat left as i was closing and that’s when it happened.
SATCHELL: what happened Adnan? what happened that dark and dingey night in Bunters?
YALANCI: She got aggressive. She said she wanted the freshest meat i had available, the piece in my trousers. I didn’t know what to say, i have a wife and a young squid, i mean kid. Before i could say no she had removed my baby blue Bunters polo and run her fingers through my matted and slightly stinking chest hair. She was wild. We made hard sex. She kept saying things like, “Pete means nothing to me, and to prove it im gonna sleep with anyone, i don’t care, he deserves this, Jordan is back.”
SATCHELL: why have you not told anyone about this?
YALANCI: I am fearful, i got a text from a mate of Peter Andres threatening me, i think he was called Bubbler? Bubbler Ranx, he told me bad things were gonna happen. He said ‘tonight is not your lucky night”. I think it was a play on words of the song ‘Mysterious Girl’.
SATCHELL: OK, I believe you, but listen, wheres my cunting burger? can i leave now?
YALANCI: you have been kind to me for listening, i just hope this does not get into the Hunts Post and the Sun in particular. It could ruin my family and restaurant. Please don’t tell anyone, i just had to get it off my chest.I think i love her and i want to be the next father of her current kids, but i can’t, i have my family.
SATCHELL: I am leaving now Adnan, I hope what you have told me is correct.

(SATCHELL LEAVES, WITHOUT  BURGER AS YALANCI TRIED TO CHARGE FOR IT IN THE END, WHAT A CUNT)

When we tried to approach Mr Yalanci for further comments ,he refused to comment. But he did clarify that he felt he had been set up and claimed that ‘these stories happen every weekend in Huntingdon, as people try to outdo each other in made up tittle tale’.

Tales of Huntingdon magazine have already threatened to take Yalanci to a tribunal to prove that they are telling the truth, and as you read this, have applied for a primetime slot on trailer trash morning tv program ‘The Jeremy Kyle show’ so a lie detector test can be completed.

Bunters has ceased trading until the matter is cleared up.

CURIOSITY KILLED OUR CAT

A local Huntingdon family has accused the owners of the curiosity shop of murdering their beloved pet cat Dennis.

The Looney’s, Cindy and Randy, who live on the high street, said that they had reported Dennis missing a few days earlier and were ‘absolutely fanny flapped’ when upon walking past the shop window, they saw a stuffed cat that looked ‘Identical but maybe a little different to Dennis, because we had never seen him dead before.’

Cindy, 48, told of the mental anguish and ‘unexplainable damage’ the sighting had caused her and her husband, and has called on the police to investigate this possible act of butchery.

“We are sure this is a revenge attack from the Snodgrass’s(Curiosity shop owners). We had a bit of a run in with Frank Snodgrass the week before Dennis went missing. He tried to park his van in our personal space and unfortunately for him Dennis was sleeping right in the way. When Snoddy beeped his horn, Dennis waved his paw at him as if to say, “Cunt off Cunt”. Snoddy was absolutely livid.”

With a croaky and distressed sounding voice, (imagine gargling vinegar mixed with bricks), she went on to tell how she woke up one morning without the furry feline nestled tightly against her husbands ball sack like usual, and doubts were immediately raised as to the health of the ageing mogster.

“I felt it was a little odd, Dennis has cosied up to Randy’s undercarriage for some 16 years, why would he wake up one morning and think, ’nah, I just don’t fancy that tonight’, it didn’t make sense so I went downstairs to see if he was about, and to my absolute shock and horror, he was not.”

With the Cat unaccounted for, and the Looney’s in desperate need of answers, they were ‘curious’ to speak with Frank and Eileen Snodgrass to see if Dennis had given them anymore jip after the first altercation.

Randy, 56, said, “We went to the curiosity shop with good will intended. It’s true that I have always wondered what the fuck they sell in there but have always been too proud, and afraid, to go in, I guess you could say I’m just not that curious. I wouldn’t give Snoddy the pleasure of seeing me, in my size 8 shoes, standing in his place of business. But I thought he may know something. When we approached the shop we saw what appeared initially to be a huge painting of former art attack presenter Neil Buchanan, but as we got closer, we realized it was in fact Dennis, stuffed and for sale, less than a quid.”

With tempers and emotions running high, Randy, (or Randford as his close family affectionately know him as) burst in the door and planted an absolute gem of a left hand on Snodgrass, but unfortunately it was wife Eileen and not Frank, and now this has led to a charge of ‘GBH’ being counter claimed by the tiresome Snodgrass’s.

With the court case looming, Cindy Looney has urged the DNA people to check the DNA of the stuffed animal, to see if it matches that of Dennis.

“He only got his teeth whitened the other week so they should have all of Dennis’s records if they care to check, but knowing the DNA people, they probably won’t give two hoots about a Cat that quite frankly was on its last legs anyway.”

Up to this point Frank Snodgrass has denied the claims, and released a statement defending his himself, his wife, and his weird and creepy shop.

THE STATEMENT: ‘I FIERCELY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY DENY THESE ABSURD AND INSANE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST ME, MY WIFE, AND MY WEIRD AND CREEPY SHOP. I WILL CONCEDE THAT ME AND DENNIS DIDN’T SEE EYE TO EYE BUT THAT’S BECAUSE I AM AT LEAST 6 FEET 3 INCHES TALLER AND THAT’S WITHOUT MY LOAFERS. THE TRUTH IS HE NEVER LIKED ME, I THINK THOSE LOONEYS FED HIM A CRAPLOAD OF FALSE JARGON ABOUT ME AND HE MADE IT HIS SOLE MISSION TO SHIT IN MY POND EVERY OTHER NIGHT. THIS SAID, I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM UNLESS IT INVOLVES KERRY KATONA OR JORDAN BEING STABBED TO DEATH WITH A BLUNT PENCIL. I DID NOT KILL THAT SORRY OLD CAT.

...REAL?....

The case continues.

*Art attack legend Neil Buchanan last night clarified that no one has ever painted a picture of him, naked or otherwise, and stated that he never liked art, he only liked the underage girls that used to mob him in the street.

He is not a convicted Paedophile.

Glitter Descends on Huntingdon

Pervert pop icon Gary Glitter has today announced that he will be taking over troubled Huntingdon nightclub Level 2, in a bid to re-launch his music career.

In a move that will no doubt shock the local community, Glitter, 64, said that he wants to put his troubles behind him and reassure the people of Huntingdon that he is now ‘cured’ and that his attraction to young ankle biters is now under control.

‘’I see this as a great opportunity to clean up my act and show people over the age of 8 the real Gary Glitter. In-fact I’m even changing my name to Barry Shine to move further away from the monster I had become.’’

Rumours circulated on Wednesday evening that a deal was in place to buy Level 2 but there was no word on who the new owner was until today. In a particularly short interview with the Hunts Post, former owner George Duck, who had only bought the club two months ago, said ,’’It was a bad idea taking over Oliver’s, we just couldn’t get people through the doors, and when people did turn up they all had free tickets to get in. It was never going to work, my marketing team where a bunch of two-bit arse flaps.’’

It is thought that Glitter also offered to do a ‘routine’ for Ducks family to help force his hand into selling, but they politely declined on the basis of Glitter being a ‘young sphincter fiddler.’

Glitter added, ‘’Look, I know I have been a bad man but it’s not all my fault. I mean the clues where there. In 1974 I sang, ‘leader of the gang’, and then in 1980 I released a song called, ‘what your mama don’t see’, if that wasn’t proof enough that I liked nippers then what about my outrageously colourful stage attire, I wore a fucking gold jumpsuit for cuntsakes.’’

The news has rippled through the town like a maggot in a jar of jam and some locals have voiced their concerns.

‘’I just don’t like it, I don’t like it at all. It stinks of baby batter. Glitter should be thrown to the lions’’, said Daniel Billinghurst, 24.

Shop worker Laura Edwards said, ‘’This is not a good move, I understand the council want to improve the nightlife for young people in the area but this is too far, we were expecting a wetherspoons, not a Peada.’’

However, surprisingly, not everyone was against the idea…

Karen Ackerley, 48, said, ‘’Fair play to the lad. All my boys are grown up now, call me selfish, but I haven’t got anything to worry about have I.’’

Bob Chuck said, ‘’She’s selfish.’’

Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, also stated that he will be changing the name of the club to either ‘Kidd Kandi’ or ‘Innocence’ and will be operating a different kind of policy at the door.

‘’Instead of asking for I.D to prove you are over 18, we will be asking for I.D to prove your under 18. It’s nothing to do with me, it was my assistant’s idea. She said it would be funny and I’m up for a laugh, I do have a sense of humour you know.’’

Whispers of a chocolate fountain and a free haribo upon entry are as of yet unfounded.

*TALES OF HUNTINGDON ARE NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT GLITTER MENT BY ‘ENTRY’ BUT WILL TRY AND FOLLOW UP IN THE NEAR FUTURE. WE DON’T THINK IT’S GOOD THOUGH.

Santa Launches Scathing Attack on Costa Coffee

Christmas legend Santa Claus has launched a scathing attack on Costa coffee, saying that he believes the brand should have been named ‘Costya coffee’ for its’ outlandish overcharges.

Claus, aged 3334456987635, was angered when upon ordering a simple black coffee on Tuesday afternoon the cashier asked for £4 and a tip of 10% to help staff ‘afford family Christmas presents‘.

“I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing, four quid for a fucking black coffee. I went in there expecting to maybe get one on the house as I am Santa cunting Claus but the boss eyed whore behind the desk charged me best part of a fiver, I was livid, and very angry, and also a little sad. He continued, ‘’I was sad because it was like she was getting pleasure out of embarrassing me in front of the other customers. I tried not to say it but in the end I did the old ‘do you know who I am’ routine and she smirked and said ‘’Yeh, just another paedophile in a Santa suit.’’

...FUCK OFF...

When interviewed about the incident, the cashier Sharon Fruit, 21, apologized unreservedly and wrote a letter to Claus offering him an explanation of her behaviour.

‘’While the gesture certainly didn’t fall on deaf ears, unfortunately the letter also contained a series of demands and ‘I wants’ for Christmas. Miss Fruit can get bent if she thinks she’s getting a rampant rabbit turbo edition in her stocking.’’ said Claus, the red-faced kiddie pleaser.

A spokesman for Costa coffee, Les Café, has moved to play down the escapade and said the incident has blown out of all proportion:

‘’We would have liked to have kept this internal but when you have a big star like Saint Nic involved of course people are going to be interested. Mr Claus was very understanding of our need to charge crazy prices for our relatively poor quality coffee and was a pleasure to deal with. The company has also sacked Sharon Fruit. She will never pour a hot beverage for this company again, mark my words.”

Father Christmas added: “Why would I buy a toasty in Costya when I can get a ruddy great big baguette in platters for a fraction of the price? I may be on the dole 364 days a year but I’m no idiot.”

As we went to print Sharon Fruit was rumoured to have been snapped up by Starbucks to boost Christmas time insults for customers.

Just before we printed we managed to get this quote from Starbucks managing director Bobby Davro on the situation.

“We are aware of Sharon Fruit and are in talks with her. As a company who continues to treat customers like aids sufferers, Fruit will fit right in with her no-nonsense approach.

Santa Claus dismissed the story as “preposterous and wank”.